


Capsized and Sinking

by wishbo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 01:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14582388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishbo/pseuds/wishbo
Summary: this is my first fic, so critique is appreciated! also check out the parent fic of this one if you read this :) it's absolutely smashing and i love it so much, even though it hurts. i couldn't have written this without it.





	Capsized and Sinking

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [One Without The Other](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14544597) by [gracie137](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracie137/pseuds/gracie137). 



> this is my first fic, so critique is appreciated! also check out the parent fic of this one if you read this :) it's absolutely smashing and i love it so much, even though it hurts. i couldn't have written this without it.

Remus was waiting in his kitchen for Sirius, slouching against the wall. Tonight was James' and Sirius' weekly pub meetup. Remus didn't dare go to any of them, even though he had been invited more than a few times. He knew how it went; James would order a few drinks, ask if Sirius wanted something special, and smile when Sirius said anything was fine. What James didn't hear was the under-the-breath, "when I'm with you." at the end of Sirius' response. They would get shitfaced and Sirius would come stumbling home to Remus, his words an incoherent mess of jumbled sounds. 

It was painful to see them together. To see the way Sirius looked at James the way he would never look at Remus. Once, he had hated them. Especially James. He had thought it was unfair that he had gotten _two_ people who loved him that way -- Lily and Sirius. But one pat on the back and a soft, "Are you okay?" from James and he was reminded of all the times he had been there for Remus, all the times he had saved him.

Remus thought back to when they were all in school together.  
He had been alone, always seated a good distance away from the other Gryffindors, unable to socialize because of the fear his parents -albeit well-meaning parents- installed in him. He had felt like a small, lost boat, drifting aimlessly in the sea. He didn't even understand why he was placed in Gryffindor; the hat had said he was brave, but he couldn't even speak to another person his age. What a joke. One day the boys he knew as Potter and Black came over to him, one sniffing with disdain and the other stretching out a warm hand to him. The simple question, "Would you like to sit with us?" gave him a new direction to sail in, even if it was in uncharted waters. 

His friendship with Sirius hadn't come easily. He was lacking all the softness that was associated with boyhood and was instead made out of sharp bones and angles that you could cut yourself on. He was also the person who taught Remus that words could hurt too, not just elbow jabs and the unbearable pain that came from trying not to shift. In time, however, he realized that Sirius' words were simply a self-defense mechanism, a way of pushing people away. Stunned at the realization, he pushed through all of his barriers and fell in love with the boy who greeted him underneath. 

In the middle of their second year, he met Peter. They were partnered together in Potions, and Remus took pity on this bumbling, weak boy who reminded him so much of himself. He introduced him to James and Sirius, who admittedly didn't like him. They gave him looks of disbelief when he told them Peter was in Gryffindor, just like themselves. It wasn't until Remus demanded that they get their heads out of their arses and told them that courage comes from many different places did they start to accept him.

They had truly become a group then. James was their leader, Sirius was their prankster, Remus was their brain, and Peter was their loyal follower. He had liked how they depended on him, how they needed him. Despite that, in the blissful years of third and fourth year, the thought crept into his mind that one day they would toss him aside-- that they would suddenly realize that he really was just a disgusting werewolf. When he told them this in fifth year, James had slung an arm around Remus, Peter on the other side, and Sirius took his hand. "We'll always need you." Is what James and Peter said. Sirius' answer would come later in the evening, in the form of a short, harsh kiss on Remus' mouth.

He wasn't a fool. He was aware of the lingering glances Sirius gave James, the clear adoration written on his face. So he was shocked that Sirius had even had the slightest interest him in  _that_ way. Nevertheless, he had kissed back, savoring the taste. After it was over, he instantly knew it was wrong; Sirius had feelings for James, for god's sake. Recklessly, he decided that he didn't care. Maybe he did have some Gryffindor in him after all. Or maybe he was just too desperate to think straight. If that was the case, that was Sirius' fault; he could never think right around him.

Remus recalled with some embarrassment one of the many days he had caught himself ogling Sirius; it was a warm spring day in sixth year, and they went outside to play Quidditch. When they had finished, they took their separate showers, but he had seen Sirius' arse, beautifully shaped and perfect for wanking material. They had already been in a relationship then, but he was still taken aback by Sirius's attractiveness. Even now, in fact. He doubted that there would ever come a day when he wasn't. Laughing softly, he realized with a start that he now thought of that as a "good old day". 

In seventh year, when Sirius learned of his brother's taking of the Dark Mark, he had wandered around the Forbidden Forest with James. Remus had almost offered to come with, but with one warning look from James and the harsh way that Sirius stepped away from the table before leaving stopped him. It wasn't until late at night before they came back to the dorms, with mud on their clothes and leaves in their hair. When Remus found a smattering of small love bites on Sirius's neck and collarbones, he said nothing. Why? Because he noticed that Sirius' eyes shined a bit brighter, that his old Sirius was back, that he was somewhat  _happy_ again. So he said nothing. Perhaps that is his biggest regret. 

When the rumor that James and Lily Evans were caught making out in the old Charms classroom made its way around the school, Remus noticed Sirius's eyes grew a little duller. He took extra care of Sirius during those days, when Lily began hanging around them more and eventually became part of their little group. "Lily Evans and the Marauders" is what they were known as. He resented James then. Not only for the pain he was causing Sirius, but for the pain he was causing Remus. He often wondered what James had that he didn't, but he knew better than anyone that you can't help who you fall in love with. He knew that Sirius loved him, but he knew that he was  _in love_ with James. And that made all the difference. 

But Remus knew that he couldn't leave Sirius; even if Sirius was imagining someone else while they fucked, even if Sirius was ready to let go, even if Sirius didn't  _really_   want him, Remus needed him. Sirius reminded Remus of the sea. Like a sailor, he was addicted to it; unlike the other waters he was lost in, riding through its storms was a challenge, a thrill that Remus craved. It made him feel alive, like taming it was something only he could do. He realized this when Nymphadora Tonks was his only comfort while the others lost themselves in each other.

James and Lily were making plans for the future, their eyes burning with a fierce brilliance called hope. Peter had drifted away, still part of the Marauders but not really there. Sirius and him had been going off and on for months; sometimes watching Sirius pine was too much for Remus and he curled into himself, almost collapsing. The first time he had done this was after Sirius had blown up at him after getting irritated at seeing Lily and James snog in front of him for the millionth time. _But really_ , Remus wondered back then,  _what did he expect?_  He was stunned when Sirius came looking for him, when Sirius murmured soft apologies into his ear. He thought that Sirius might have finally recognized the shell he had created out of Remus; but he knew it wasn't so when Sirius tried to get him to go to bed with him. He had allowed it because he knew they were both broken; that they had both fallen in love with the wrong person.

 _Clink._ Remus was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound of Sirius putting his keys in the keyholder. Sighing, he smoothed down his shirt and plastered a soft smile on his face. Coming into the kitchen, Sirius looked like he always did after meeting James; still glowing with happiness, but with a hint of melancholy to his expression. His eyes were on the ground, seemingly ashamed. "You didn't have to wait up for me." Surprised, Remus looked at the clock; it was 3:59 am. They had made a rule to always be back at 4 am, just to notify the other that something was wrong if they weren't back by then. "Nah, it's okay." When Sirius still looked guilty, he said, "Really, it's fine. I just wanted to tell you about this thing at work.." He babbled on, well aware that Sirius probably wasn't listening to a word he said.

Helping him into their bedroom, he started taking off Sirius' clothes. He didn't tell him the reason he stayed up so late is to make sure that Sirius was really coming back, that he wasn't leaving Remus. He didn't tell him that he felt like he was capsized and sinking, that if Sirius left him there would be no chance of survival. He didn't tell him that he loved him, because even though they had been together for four years, neither of them had said it to each other. But the truth is, Remus is too far gone to care. 


End file.
